contradictions

--There are 7 inches of snow on the ground--March 5th--and the sun is glaringly bright (and wonderful).

--I sent off a good yearly report to the Bishop...and immediately had a minor freaking-out, because I'd answered that I wanted to have a conversation about a possible new call.

--On Sunday, the WOSD came to my house to pick up tickets for the recital, and though she and the SD do many contortions to keep me out of their house (which, incidentally, used to be my house), I invited her in and we visited for 10 or 15 minutes while I unwound curlers from K's hair. And it was ok. It feels like there is healing there.

--My most difficult parishioner (the one who wrote a personal letter to the Bishop on church stationery) returned to church on Sunday after being gone for a week, post-op. She piped up during the announcements that she wanted to be on the prayer list for recovery. I thought, "Uh-oh. Here we go." She left church after the sermon, and I again thought, "Uh-oh," and imagined the worst. But I talked myself out of it and told myself she must be in pain. I called her the following day, pro-actively, and checked it out with her, fully expecting a tale (possibly not a truthful one) about how she left because she'd done too much too soon. Instead she said, "No--I left because I was so upset that I was not on the prayer list." BOOM. There you have it. This woman and her family have been a nonstop thorn in my side, and there is endless criticism about the prayer list, and seriously--who comes to church and first thing examines the prayer list to be sure that they're on it? THIS woman, apparently, so that she can begin worship in the spirit of ugly bitterness, and call out the pastor in front of the congregation, and leave, publicly, to further demonstrate her discontent. I'd finally had it. We had a come to Jesus conversation in which I think perhaps I said some not very Christlike things. But I've had now three separate friends say that they begged to differ, when I elaborated upon what I said. I tell you folks, it was horrible. And it's far from the first horrible conversation with this woman. Finally I said, "I do not know what makes you so desperately unhappy in your life, but I know for sure that it is not solely me or my pastoral style, but I am bearing the brunt of your unhappiness, and I'm done." I also said, "You seem to derive a lot of energy from building a case against me and making your case as widely known as possible, and I was warned about this behavior; I've given you the benefit of the doubt, but after four years, I'm done giving you the benefit of the doubt. You have not proven anyone wrong who warned me about you." I am seriously done with this woman. My brilliant pastor-friend, Kirsten, said lots of non-anxious things about how sometimes we just need to let them leave. Nothing could make me happier than this woman leaving. It's just the other people who would freak, and act out, and I just don't think I could do THAT.

--I do not believe that you can really love someone that you don't know. Love does not come so very easily to me these days. Love and trust--they're at a premium. When I articulated that to someone, my truth was too much. And though there was care there, now there is absence. And though there was care there, I oddly enough feel nothing.

--Sometimes the most healing thing is for life to end, but it is so hard to convey that to people, pastorally, and so hard to pray honestly in the face of that...particularly for people who know it, logically, but can't go there, psychologically.

--The better work I do and the stronger I feel, the more problems fly up to hit me square in the face. Could I just hang out at the level I've accomplished for a little while before the music starts to play faster and I have less tools in my toolbag? ...Though I suppose that all of this is developing my toolbag rather nicely...it'd just be nice to catch a freaking break once in awhile.